Leaving Me in Silence
by Rana Eros
Look out, it's emo!Tatsumi! For the Spring Kink Challenge prompt: Yami no Matsuei, Tatsumi/Hisoka: solitary fantasies - 'I wish you all the love in the world, but most of all I wish it from myself.' Betaed by Eliza, poor woman. Title taken from "No More I Love Yous," by Annie Lennox, which may be the saving grace of the piece.
Tatsumi knows himself; he's not a generous man by any means. His heart is small, and focused, and he's spent the last three years assuming any affection he felt for Kurosaki Hisoka was the result of Kurosaki's good influence on Tsuzuki.
The last time he was this devastatingly wrong about something, it was Tsuzuki who paid for it. He's trying very hard to make sure Tsuzuki doesn't pay for it now.
It helps that Kurosaki's admitted to having trouble reading him; Tatsumi can just imagine what effect his withdrawal would have on Tsuzuki. Still, there are times when he's certain Kurosaki has to feel his longing, and in fact Kurosaki will often look at him with flushed skin in those moments, then surreptitiously place Tsuzuki as a barrier between them, sometimes attempting to excuse himself.
It's during the latest such incident, when Kurosaki is saying something about needing to go to the library, Tsuzuki, stay here, that his eyes dart between Tsuzuki and Tatsumi, and Tatsumi realizes that Kurosaki can indeed feel his desire. It's just that Kurosaki believes it's for Tsuzuki.
"No," Tatsumi wants to say. "No, it's you."
Except Tatsumi has met Muraki, has learned how Kurosaki died. He says nothing. And because he knows Kurosaki is better for Tsuzuki than himself, he makes the choice to withdraw, after all, retreating from the pair whenever emotion begins to overcome his self-control. He withdraws, and locks himself away, and if he cannot rein his need in, he does what's necessary to expend it.
It's an old trick, though the catalyst is new. The catalyst....
"Hisoka," he whispers, as he takes himself in hand in the solitude of his office, his bedroom, his bath. And he hopes, because his heart is large enough for two after all, that Tsuzuki is as good for Kurosaki as Kurosaki is for Tsuzuki. But if, in those solitary moments, he dreams that Hisoka understands his affection and returns it, well--
Well. He is already serving in Hell for his selfish love.
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